WEEKLY HOROSCOPES
(not to be taken seriously)
(not to be taken seriously)
Aries
S |
If you were paying attention, you might have seen a recurring theme in the song suggestions last week. |
M |
Pigeons are living in your wheel wells. |
T |
Slow your brain down. |
W |
Conjure some puppies with laser-eyes. |
T |
That baseball team is definitely out of your league! |
F |
You should become a square-dance-caller! |
S |
Actual-Seriousness Saturday: Wash your hands! |
Taurus
S |
Be your own #1 Fan! |
M |
You got something in your teeth. |
T |
Running from someone annoying? Go to their Ex´s. |
W |
Conjure up some narwhals to crush your bird foes. |
T |
Make up some new swear words that also happen to be ordinary household items. |
F |
You will become illiterate. |
S |
Actual-Seriousness Saturday: Stay at home whenever possible! |
Gemini
S |
Find a new music genre. |
M |
Yes, they were talking about you. |
T |
Why go to a dance when you could go to a ball? |
W |
Conjure a spider with a top hat that is also a machine gun! |
T |
Be exactly 24 hours late to your next meeting. |
F |
Buy a rat. |
S |
Actual-Seriousness Saturday! Don´t touch your face! |
Cancer
S |
I forgot to write this one and I'm done with my thinking process, so I guess you don't get a horoscope today. Sorry. |
M |
There´s no substitute for unbridled laziness. |
T |
Everyone, lock your knees for as long as you can and we´ll see who´s the last one standing. |
W |
Conjure an eye that sees all. |
T |
Start sleeping with a night light again. |
F |
Crying is just eyeball water. |
S |
Actual-Seriousness Saturday: Cover your coughs and sneezes with a tissue or your bent elbow. |
Leo
S |
Go to bed. |
M |
Why do you feel the need to assume people are lying? |
T |
Count the cars that pass and keep a tally of who is following the law. |
W |
Conjure yourself some cupcakes for when you´re hungry. |
T |
For heaven´s sake, wash your shoes! And for everyone else´s sake, too! |
F |
Believe everything you read. |
S |
Actual-Seriousness Saturday: Stay informed! |
Virgo
S |
Stay away from the parrot. |
M |
Spell everything phonetically from now on. |
T |
Lies are like peanut shells. Crunchy. |
W |
Conjure a pair of wings for your shopping cart. |
T |
Karma is about to make her move. |
F |
The world is your oyster, and you´re allergic to seafood. |
S |
Actual-Seriousness Saturday: Don't meet up in groups over 10. |
Libra
S |
Plant some sunflowers, but don´t let them get taller than you. |
M |
Color outside the lines. Not to be rebellious, just to make a unique drawing. |
T |
There´s something living in your walls. |
W |
Conjure a pink cloud with wings to carry you around. |
T |
Why are a dozen and a baker´s dozen different numbers? |
F |
You´re not exactly Barbie; You´re more like a Russian nesting doll of secret identities. |
S |
Actual-Seriousness Saturday: Stay at least one meter away from anyone coughing or sneezing! |
Scorpio
S |
Hang up some posters! |
M |
You're out of milk. |
T |
Actually, you´re out of a lot of dairy products. |
W |
Conjure a butterfly that kills everything it touches! |
T |
Start your own TV show called: A Day in the Life of This Dimwit! |
F |
Instead of blinking, wink twice. |
S |
Actual-Seriousness Saturday: Listen to the government regulations; They´re trying to help you. |
Sagittarius
S |
Stand on your head. |
M |
The word 'Saturday' has the word 'turd' in it. |
T |
Any apostrophes above your sign are actually accents, but I didn't notice until now, and I'm lazy. |
W |
Conjure yourself a bunch of hearts to fight people. Call it a heart attack. |
T |
It's Thursday, you know what that means. |
F |
Learn to play guitar and piano at the same time. This will come in handy exactly zero times. |
S |
Actual-Seriousness Saturday: If you feel sick, seek medical help early. |
Capricorn
S |
She wants your money. |
M |
Have yourself a Merry Little Monday, if that's even possible. |
T |
Watch out for the return policy when shopping for shoes. |
W |
Conjure a pie costume for your friend. |
T |
Don't worry, back pain in your teenage years is normal. Yeah... |
F |
Your missing sock is in a parallel dimension, so stop looking for it. |
S |
Actual-Seriousness Saturday: Don't shake hands. |
Aquarius
S |
Clear your browser history. |
M |
Read the back of a cereal box for advice, because these horoscopes aren't doing much. |
T |
Stop stubbing your toe on the imaginary coffee table. |
W |
Conjure a Blueberry Cupcake Bazooka. |
T |
You're very earthy, which may mean you should shower more often. |
F |
Find a book and wear it. |
S |
Actual-Seriousness Saturday: Wearing rubber gloves doesn't actually do much. |
Pisces
S |
Defrost your freezer before it's too late. |
M |
Look on the bright side, you don't have any homework today! |
T |
Or any other day this week for that matter. |
W |
Conjure a sparkly bounce house. |
T |
Stay relevant by being in the news a lot. |
F |
Throw something in the air. If it changes color, dispose of it immediately. |
S |
Actual-Seriousness Saturday: Try not to travel. |