WEEKLY HOROSCOPES
(not to be taken seriously)

Aries

S	If you were paying attention, you might have seen a recurring theme in the song suggestions last week.
M	Pigeons are living in your wheel wells.
T	Slow your brain down.
W	Conjure some puppies with laser-eyes.
T	That baseball team is definitely out of your league!
F	You should become a square-dance-caller!
S	Actual-Seriousness Saturday: Wash your hands!

Taurus

S	Be your own #1 Fan!
M	You got something in your teeth.
T	Running from someone annoying? Go to their Ex´s.
W	Conjure up some narwhals to crush your bird foes.
T	Make up some new swear words that also happen to be ordinary household items.
F	You will become illiterate.
S	Actual-Seriousness Saturday: Stay at home whenever possible!

Gemini

S	Find a new music genre.
M	Yes, they were talking about you.
T	Why go to a dance when you could go to a ball?
W	Conjure a spider with a top hat that is also a machine gun!
T	Be exactly 24 hours late to your next meeting.
F	Buy a rat.
S	Actual-Seriousness Saturday! Don´t touch your face!

Cancer

S	I forgot to write this one and I'm done with my thinking process, so I guess you don't get a horoscope today. Sorry.
M	There´s no substitute for unbridled laziness.
T	Everyone, lock your knees for as long as you can and we´ll see who´s the last one standing.
W	Conjure an eye that sees all.
T	Start sleeping with a night light again.
F	Crying is just eyeball water.
S	Actual-Seriousness Saturday: Cover your coughs and sneezes with a tissue or your bent elbow.

Leo

S	Go to bed.
M	Why do you feel the need to assume people are lying?
T	Count the cars that pass and keep a tally of who is following the law.
W	Conjure yourself some cupcakes for when you´re hungry.
T	For heaven´s sake, wash your shoes! And for everyone else´s sake, too!
F	Believe everything you read.
S	Actual-Seriousness Saturday: Stay informed!

Virgo

S	Stay away from the parrot.
M	Spell everything phonetically from now on.
T	Lies are like peanut shells. Crunchy.
W	Conjure a pair of wings for your shopping cart.
T	Karma is about to make her move.
F	The world is your oyster, and you´re allergic to seafood.
S	Actual-Seriousness Saturday: Don't meet up in groups over 10.

Libra

S	Plant some sunflowers, but don´t let them get taller than you.
M	Color outside the lines. Not to be rebellious, just to make a unique drawing.
T	There´s something living in your walls.
W	Conjure a pink cloud with wings to carry you around.
T	Why are a dozen and a baker´s dozen different numbers?
F	You´re not exactly Barbie; You´re more like a Russian nesting doll of secret identities.​
S	Actual-Seriousness Saturday: Stay at least one meter away from anyone coughing or sneezing!

Scorpio

S	Hang up some posters!
M	​You're out of milk.
T	Actually, you´re out of a lot of dairy products.
W	Conjure a butterfly that kills everything it touches!
T	Start your own TV show called: A Day in the Life of This Dimwit!
F	Instead of blinking, wink twice.
S	Actual-Seriousness Saturday: Listen to the government regulations; They´re trying to help you.

Sagittarius

S	Stand on your head.
M	The word 'Saturday' has the word 'turd' in it.
T	Any apostrophes above your sign are actually accents, but I didn't notice until now, and I'm lazy.
W	Conjure yourself a bunch of hearts to fight people. Call it a heart attack.
T	It's Thursday, you know what that means.
F	Learn to play guitar and piano at the same time. This will come in handy exactly zero times.
S	Actual-Seriousness Saturday: If you feel sick, seek medical help early.

Capricorn

S	She wants your money.
M	Have yourself a Merry Little Monday, if that's even possible.
T	Watch out for the return policy when shopping for shoes.
W	Conjure a pie costume for your friend.
T	Don't worry, back pain in your teenage years is normal. Yeah...
F	Your missing sock is in a parallel dimension, so stop looking for it.
S	Actual-Seriousness Saturday: Don't shake hands.

Aquarius

S	Clear your browser history.
M	Read the back of a cereal box for advice, because these horoscopes aren't doing much.
T	Stop stubbing your toe on the imaginary coffee table.
W	Conjure a Blueberry Cupcake Bazooka.
T	You're very earthy, which may mean you should shower more often.
F	Find a book and wear it.
S	Actual-Seriousness Saturday: Wearing rubber gloves doesn't actually do much.

Pisces

S	Defrost your freezer before it's too late.
M	Look on the bright side, you don't have any homework today!
T	Or any other day this week for that matter.
W	Conjure a sparkly bounce house.
T	Stay relevant by being in the news a lot.
F	Throw something in the air. If it changes color, dispose of it immediately.
S	Actual-Seriousness Saturday: Try not to travel.